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Toxic Talk: Bruce Arena Just Wants to Watch the World Burn Edition

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Welcome to Toxic Talk, where our resident hater tells you what sucks about soccer this week.

Soccer: International Friendly Men's Soccer-New Zealand at USA Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports

I should have known something was wrong the moment I woke up and saw that they announced the roster at 8:30 AM Eastern Time on a Sunday. You don’t announce a roster before the majority of the country wakes up unless you know everyone is going to hate it.

Bruce Arena said that the U.S. didn’t have the luxury of bringing in new faces with two games left in the Hex. He did make some changes, mixing things up by giving surprising returns to Benny Feilhaber and Juan Agudelo. And he also brought along Chris Wondolowski, Gyasi Zardes, and Michael “Why, God, Why” Orozco (UPDATE: Gyasi Zardes has now withdrawn from the team due to a groin strain). I think I’ve made my feelings on those last three players fairly clear on the Internet by now, so instead of a rant about those guys, here’s a comprehensive list of the players I’d rather see in U.S. colors for two do-or-die games with the World Cup at stake:

-Dom Dwyer

-Space Jam-era Bill Murray

-Eddie Pope, right now

-Frankie Hejduk’s collection of knit hats with the ear flaps on them

-Rico Clark

-Marcel Balboa’s mullet-mustache combo

-Rafa Marquez

-Mix Diskerud

-Taylor Twellman’s wardrobe

-One of those life-size wall stickers of Shaquille O’Neal

-Ted Westervelt

-The Ghost of Stuart Holden’s Knees Past

-One of Oguchi Onyewu’s pectoral muscles

-The entire BeIN Sports broadcast team

Boiling Points

  • Bayern dropping Carlo Ancelotti faster than week-old schnitzel - Happy trails, Carlo. I’m sure there’s some other stupidly rich club waiting for you to win them a couple trophies.
  • How good PSG’s attack actually is -

I know I make fun of their defense, but that’s just disgusting. And it wasn’t even the best goal on the day. That belonged to Julian Draxler.

  • The off-chance Gyasi Zardes might not be able to make these games -

A dream is a wish your heart makes.

  • Marta still being this good -
  • Sergio Ramos giving his best Keylor Navas impression -

Real Madrid went on to win 3-1, after Dortmund had a tying goal wrongly called back for offside against Tottenham, a game which also ended up 3-1 against Dortmund. Oh, and it looks like Bayern Munich will probably get Thomas Tuchel to be their next head coach. It’s been a rough couple week for the boys in yellow.