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Toxic Talk: Everyone Will Be Coaching the USMNT Edition

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Welcome to Toxic Talk, where our resident hater tells you what sucks about soccer this week.

Soccer: Republic of Ireland vs Mexico Ed Mulholland-USA TODAY Sports

It is a great time to be a mediocre-to-highly successful soccer coach in the world right now, because the United States Men’s National Team needs a manager and recent events have made it more clear than ever that skill and acumen are surplus to requirements. Everyone from Laurent Blanc to Sam Allardyce, from this guy you may or may not have heard of that coaches West Ham to this guy you’ve definitely never heard of that coaches the University of Maryland. Oh, and Juan Carlos Osorio, the current coach of the Mexico. If you can’t beat them?

It is the silliest of seasons, in many ways an open referendum on everything that U.S. Soccer has ever built itself up to be, so it makes sense that the rumors will incorporate everyone a guy who lost his managerial job in a newspaper sting, to a guy who lost his managerial job after suggesting his national team should limit the flow of black players into the squad, to a guy...in Maryland (seriously dude eat your Old Bay and shut up). People want a drastic change and they don’t care how it comes. In the spirit of those loose morals, here’s my personal shortlist for the next man to take over the U.S. men’s team:

  1. MIGUEL MFN HERRERA

2. Marcelo Bielsa

3. Sarina Wiegman

4. Pep Guardiola’s scarf

5. Serena Williams

6. Miguel Herrera

7. Brad Friedel’s accent

8. Alexi Lalas

9. Tata Martino

10. Totally kidding about the Alexi Lalas part I would rather lick Marcelo Balboa’s hair

11. Piojo Herrera

12. Julie Foudy

13. The coach of Newcastle from the Goal! movies

14. Anyone from Arsenal FanTV

Boiling Points

  • How San Jose made it into the MLS playoffs -

Yeah. Not a good look.

  • Nature Calls -

Unlucky.

  • Zack Steffen’s Moment -

It’s hard to get multiple moments where you “arrive” as a player. Steffen seemed to have that moment in the 2015 U-20 World Cup, where a couple penalty saves (including a crucial, game-securing stop against Colombia in the Round of 16) helped the young keeper make his mark, and earned him a contract in Germany. Soon after, Steffen returned to the States, seemingly homesick, and settled for a bench spot in MLS. But he earned the #1 spot this year with the Crew, and then shut down Atlanta’s high-flying offense at Mercedes Benz Stadium to push the Crew into the next round of the playoffs. With the U.S. player pool in a major state of flux and in dire need of young keepers, Steffen found another moment for himself.

  • When your 6th-tier side decides to become the Turkish Euro 2008 team -

Maybe less Cardiac Kids and more Cardiac Arrest Kids, but it still worked.

  • Another young American debut -

This also brings us one step closer to having a senior USMNT player named Shaq, which is a necessary step towards eventual World Cup triumph.