It is a great time to be a mediocre-to-highly successful soccer coach in the world right now, because the United States Men’s National Team needs a manager and recent events have made it more clear than ever that skill and acumen are surplus to requirements. Everyone from Laurent Blanc to Sam Allardyce, from this guy you may or may not have heard of that coaches West Ham to this guy you’ve definitely never heard of that coaches the University of Maryland. Oh, and Juan Carlos Osorio, the current coach of the Mexico. If you can’t beat them?
It is the silliest of seasons, in many ways an open referendum on everything that U.S. Soccer has ever built itself up to be, so it makes sense that the rumors will incorporate everyone a guy who lost his managerial job in a newspaper sting, to a guy who lost his managerial job after suggesting his national team should limit the flow of black players into the squad, to a guy...in Maryland (seriously dude eat your Old Bay and shut up). People want a drastic change and they don’t care how it comes. In the spirit of those loose morals, here’s my personal shortlist for the next man to take over the U.S. men’s team:
- MIGUEL MFN HERRERA
2. Marcelo Bielsa
3. Sarina Wiegman
4. Pep Guardiola’s scarf
5. Serena Williams
6. Miguel Herrera
7. Brad Friedel’s accent
On top of the poor play, I have to listen to Brad Friedel and his weird British American accent. Swell— Carolina Toffees (@CarolinaToffees) September 28, 2017
8. Alexi Lalas
9. Tata Martino
10. Totally kidding about the Alexi Lalas part I would rather lick Marcelo Balboa’s hair
11. Piojo Herrera
12. Julie Foudy
13. The coach of Newcastle from the Goal! movies
14. Anyone from Arsenal FanTV
- How San Jose made it into the MLS playoffs -
Coming off a 5-0 win, Whitecaps finding it harder to score vs the team who finished reg. season w/ a +13 GD rather than -21 #VANvSEA— COPA90 US (@COPA90US) October 30, 2017
Yeah. Not a good look.
- Nature Calls -
87' - We can confirm that Crocombe has been sent off for urinating during the game. We are not joking. #greenarmy (1-2)— Bradford Park Avenue (@BPAFCOfficial) October 28, 2017
- Zack Steffen’s Moment -
It’s hard to get multiple moments where you “arrive” as a player. Steffen seemed to have that moment in the 2015 U-20 World Cup, where a couple penalty saves (including a crucial, game-securing stop against Colombia in the Round of 16) helped the young keeper make his mark, and earned him a contract in Germany. Soon after, Steffen returned to the States, seemingly homesick, and settled for a bench spot in MLS. But he earned the #1 spot this year with the Crew, and then shut down Atlanta’s high-flying offense at Mercedes Benz Stadium to push the Crew into the next round of the playoffs. With the U.S. player pool in a major state of flux and in dire need of young keepers, Steffen found another moment for himself.
- When your 6th-tier side decides to become the Turkish Euro 2008 team -
Maybe less Cardiac Kids and more Cardiac Arrest Kids, but it still worked.
- Another young American debut -
After making his Levante first team debut in midweek Copa match, Shaq Moore makes his La Liga debut today in 2-2 draw vs. Eibar. https://t.co/eECQ9gJZfo— Arch Bell (@ArchBell) October 29, 2017
This also brings us one step closer to having a senior USMNT player named Shaq, which is a necessary step towards eventual World Cup triumph.