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Toxic Talk: USMNT Squeaks One Past Honduras Edition

Welcome to Toxic Talk, where our resident hater tells you what sucks about soccer this week.

Soccer: FIFA World Cup Qulifier-Trinidad & Tobago at USA Isaiah J. Downing-USA TODAY Sports

My dearest reader,

We have been three days on the march through my adopted Virginia. Morale is low; Gyasi Zardes has just scored for the Galaxy of Los Angeles. The USMNT secured only one point in their skirmishes with Costa Rica and Honduras. Still, we must endure. My fingers freeze to the bone at the thought of another week without the loving embrace of your comments and recs. Light the Paul Arriola prayer candle for my inevitable return. I will return to you.

With all my love,


I barely have to say anything more. Look at this crap. The U.S. men got the immense privilege of traveling to Central America and playing in 100 degree weather on a field made of Elmer’s Glue. Graham Zusi never had any chance of keeping up with Romell Quioto or Alberth Elis. DaMarcus Beasley somehow managed to look older than he already is. Darlington Nagbe and Christian Pulisic were completely isolated on the wings and failed to make any razzle-dazzle happen themselves outside of a couple moments here and there. This was worst-case scenario.

And yet! And yet. Bobby Wood got on the ball in the box, because as fans of the National Team of these United States of America, we are entitled to nothing but suffering under the illusion of hope. The draw actually puts us in a still-decent spot to qualify for the World Cup, as winning our two remaining games will almost inevitably secure the third and final automatic qualifying spot. Panama at home and Trinidad & Tobago. What could possibly go wrong?

As a fan of the Buffalo Bills, I feel it is my responsibility to tell you that everything can and will go wrong in these last two games. Do not hope. Do not look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Just throw a couple beers back and find a plastic table you can fling your soft, wretched body through.

This is the pinnacle of fandom, soccer. Get on it.

Boiling Points

  • Gyasi Zardes inevitably becoming the new Chris Wondolowski -

This is how it begins. Gyasi Zardes is 26, which means we’ll get to see him receive USMNT call-ups for another decade.

  • Bayern Munich buying Hoffenheim’s two best players in the offseason and then losing 2-0 to Hoffenheim - Hahahahaha
  • PSG’s “Defense” -

I cannot wait to see them play someone not from Ligue 1.

  • Whatever unholy sacrifice David De Gea needed to make in order to pull off this save -

I do not care what you’re currently paying that man. Triple it. Buy him his own island. Move Manchester United to Madrid and make him think you sold him by learning Spanish. Do what it takes.

  • PSG’s women’s team getting kicked out of their training facilities by the club so the men’s youth academy could use it -

Your little reminder that getting farther in the Champions League than your men’s side apparently achieves you zero goodwill from the club.