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Toxic Talk: New Year’s Resolutions Edition

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Welcome to Toxic Talk, where our resident hater tells you what sucks about soccer this week.

Monterrey v Toluca - Torneo Apertura 2017 Liga MX Photo by Azael Rodriguez/Getty Images

It’s a new year, but the hate remains the same. And what with putting the abyss of 2017 behind us, I decided it was as good a time as ever to set down some goals for 2018. Not, like, stuff to make myself better. Absolutely not. Just things I plan on doing for the good of the culture.

I resolve to cheer for Mexico when they get Jonathan Gonzalez because the U.S. setup thought he wasn’t ready.

Just go ahead an buy me an El Tri shirt. They look better than Nike’s U.S. uniforms anyway. Jonathan Gonzalez, as an 18 year old, was recently named to the Liga MX Apertura Best XI. Jonathan Gonzalez was also not called up for the U.S. friendly against Portugal. This was suspected to be because of Monterrey’s upcoming Liguilla campaign, but it turns out, maybe not. A stupid friendly with a Portugal B-Team in which the U.S. didn’t really have anything at stake now seems like the thing that could convince Gonzalez that Mexico really might be the better option for him.

I don’t care how deep you think we are at center midfield. You had a Liga MX starter, which is a higher level of competition than MLS, that turned out to be a Liga MX best XI player. How is he not ready? How is he not deserving of a call-up in a game that doesn’t mean anything but cycling new players into the senior team. THAT’S WHAT IT’S FOR. Pass the bleach. I’m thirsty.

I will become an organ donor if anyone besides Kathy Carter wins USSF Presidency

I’m sure there are a few people amongst the USSF voting body that have reservations about Carter’s ties to SUM, MLS, Don Garber, and Sunil Gulati, but hot damn if it isn’t looking pretty for her right now. People don’t really like Hope Solo. Carlos Cordeiro is looking like the Dollar General version of Kathy Carter, and presumably both would have a similar circle of influence within the voting body due to their previous ties. But if Carter has the support of Garber and Gulati, Cordeiro doesn’t have a prayer. The small pocket of people who know Steve Gans like him, but common sense says the outsider nature of his and Michael Winograd’s nominations will be too much to overcome. Kyle Martino is an interesting candidate, but his lack of any sort of management experience still looms when considering just who votes on this stuff. And Eric Wynalda has been wrapped in his own firestorm as of late, as questions have arisen regarding how his campaign has been funded by an NASL owner. I don’t really want Carter to be president. i don’t trust her. But it seems kind of inevitable. So, if any USSF voter is reading this, hear my plea: I will try to save people’s lives if you don’t vote for her.

I will campaign for Miguel Herrera to be USMNT head coach

Forever and always.

I will stand outside holding a literal torch aloft until Tobin Heath returns from injury.

Ok, so I might not actually do this. But I need Tobin Heath’s skill checks in my life 110% of the time. Dribbling past three defenders before running into a fourth is extremely my brand and I miss seeing people in U.S. colors do it. Save us, Tobin. You’re our only hope.

Boiling Points

  • All Hail Lichaj -

Eric Lichaj and Nottingham Forest bounced the Arsenal reserves from the FA Cup on Sunday, And he did it in style, notching a brace, with his second goal being one of the top goals of the tournament thus far. Not bad for a fullback.

  • Uh oh, Barcelona are looking like a 30-headed monster again, and they just signed Coutinho -

Young American Shaq Moore got the start for Levante against Barcelona, which is really cool, and he almost got his first La Liga goal were it not for a nice reaction save from MarcAndré ter Stegen. Unfortunately, not much else went well for Levante, and Barcelona, who were already clear at the top of the table in Spain, look infinitely scarier in 2018. Coutinho hasn’t started playing yet and Ousmane Dembele is still coming back from injury. It’s fine. I’m fine.

  • West Ham vs. Shrewsbury was a barrel of fun, featuring The Magic of the Cup™ -

Ah, the FA Cup.

There’s just something magical about it.

It’s...incredible.

West Ham and Shrewsbury finished the game even at 0 goals and minus several bodily fluids.

  • This PSG goal will confuse you sexually -

Unnngh. Just uuuuuuuuuungh.