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Toxic Talk: Paul Lapointe’s Presidential Acceptance Speech Edition

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Welcome to Toxic Talk, where our resident hater tells you what sucks about soccer this week.

US, Canadian And Mexican Soccer Federations Make Major Announcement
Not pictured: Paul Lapointe, since the only picture of Paul Lapointe that seems to exist is his grainy Twitter profile picture.
Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images

There’s people clapping. Tears run down the face of the woman next to you. After two years of mediocrity, it’s time for the United States to right itself. It’s time for a new president.

I would like to say, first and foremost: I told you so. The media thought they had old Paul cornered, but no sir. You, the United States Soccer Federation board, it’s sponsors, it’s players both current and former, it’s coaches, it’s gloriously crisp Nike swooshes adorning every square inch of this Floridian paradise (seriously, my bedsheets are Nike branded), you all knew better.

Granted, this whole thing was still a fraud. Y’all think Hope Solo got sponsored for this thing and Paul mother-hecking Lapointe did it? You think Paul Cali-however it’s spelled, who is basically the person to blame for the USMNT losing to Trinidad & Tobago, in my estimation, got enough votes to get into this thing, and Big Daddy P.L.P. didn’t? You can’t even spell his last name! Look me in the face and tell me you can spell his name, Stu Holden. Some grade-A poppycock, as us soccer people often say.

The Nike-branded Security guards are waving at me-#bornmercurial, am I right guys?-so I’ll use the rest of my time to outline my plans as USSF president. First: we tar and feather Alexi Lalas. I offered that man a good position in my government and he turned it down. We must destroy him. Second: Eric Wynalda will hereby be the known as Grand Overseer of Soccer Balling. Third: the New York Cosmos are officially MLS Cup Champions and the Red Bulls are relegated to Canada. Fourth: Wait, what are you doing? No! No, you can’t silence me! You think you can just throw me out and ignore me like an accusation of racism or Hugo Perez? The revolution will go on! The only thing American soccer has left to lose is it’s chaaaaainssssssss!!!!

Carlos Cordeiro walks up to the podium as Lapointe is forcibly removed from the venue.

Boiling Points

  • The Carlos Cordeiro Thing -

Yes, the old USSF vice president is the new USSF president. Yes, that probable stinks for you, too.

But the sheer numbers that went to both Cordeiro and SUM chief Kathy Carter really only point to one thing: the people in charge of U.S. Soccer aren’t particularly interested in change, either. Retaining Cordeiro as president is utterly terrible optics, which seems par for the course for the federation. Whether or not he can make the right hires in key places to help the program along, which the athletes council seemed to think he could, remains to be seen.

On the other hand, this was a G move.

  • When Yedlin Met Sanchez -

WOT PACE, MATE? THE LAD IS RAPID

(Seriously, he did pretty well against Manchester United. Good job, DeAndre)

  • I think the Yellow Wall is happy Marco Reus is back -

The Dortmund winger made his return on the weekend. Let’s hope his club has plenty of bubble wrap.

  • Mo Salah, Mo Problems -

Shot:

Chaser:

  • CoolCoolCoolCoolCoooooool -
  • Landon Landed -

Donovan made his Liga MX debut with Club León this weekend, showing some decent energy and rust in a camero appearance. Yes, it is still very weird. Carry on.