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Toxic Talk: When You Know the Season Is Young Edition

Welcome to Toxic Talk, where our resident hater tells you what sucks about soccer this week.

MLS: D.C. United at Orlando City SC Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Oh, it’s time. Prime #SOCKA time. Hope you all enjoyed your pretty, polished European game for the winter. Hope you enjoyed your tea and your crumpets and your relatively respectable politics and your high-quality “football.” Because we’re talking soccer here, Greg. MLS is back.

You know how I know MLS is back? Because we already got teams losing that shouldn’t be losing to the teams they’re losing to. We got Jozy Altidore, Sebastian Giovinco, and Michael Bradely losing to Gyasi Zardes. We got Miguel Almiron, Josef Martinez, and Darlington Nagbe getting stomped by Andrew Wenger, who is probably the best Wenger in the soccer universe for the very first time in his life.

Peak MLS is Atlanta United, one of the most expensive and exciting rosters in MLS, getting beat by a team starting Andrew Wenger. More peak MLS is going down 4 goals and then deciding not to give Andrew Carleton some minutes, so you put Kevin Kratz in instead. Who? Exactly.

I know it’s that time of year because people involved with Orlando City are already doing stupid stuff. And are also legitimately named “PC.”

But Orlando also has Justin Meram this year, so it didn’t even matter, which brings me to my next way of knowing it’s time for MLS to be here again: D.C. United blowing it when it mattered!

I know it’s a new MLS season because there’s another brand new crop of fans who haven’t yet tasted the sweet, sweet pain of having your local team disappoint you yet. Welcome to the league, LAFC.

So wholesome. So pure. Electric, like the energy of a Logan Paul vlog. Our YouTube-sponsored heroes journeyed deep into the Pacific Northwest to witness their team’s first ever game against last decade’s new and hip club, the Seattle Sounders. Just remember kids: things will only go downhill from here. Unless you used to be a Chivas USA fan. Then you’ll probably be good no matter what happens.

But your first goal in club history was really nice, too! So who knows? Maybe you’re the exception.

I know it’s MLS season because the Revs have already found new ways to embarrass themselves.

All in all, it’s time for some messy, terrible play, some laughable referee decisions, some inevitable supporter drama, and hopefully a couple of snow games in Colorado. Welcome back, MLS, you hot mess of a league. You’re terrible. I love you.

Boiling Points

  • Remember when the Earthquakes were bad? Me neither -

The San Jose Earthquakes showed off exactly why they’re going to be such an entertaining team to watch this year, bringing a slick attack with newcomers Danny Hoesen and the man they call Vako (whose real name is Valeri Qazaishvili. So, Vako it is) looking like great additions, before promptly giving up two goals to Kevin Molino in the span of four minutes to turn the finish into a nail-biter. Hoesen’s second goal on the night was a highlight of the weekend.

  • No Neymar? No Problem -

At least not if you’re 18 year old Timothy Weah, whose title of “U.S. U-17 World Cup player and son of President of Liberia George Weah” is going to get a bit longer, now that he can add “Senior Paris Saint-Germain Player” to that list.

The kid almost went and scored on his debut while he was at it. Big things ahead for Mr. Weah.

  • SheBelieves -

The USWNT is back at it with their first major competition since the Rio Olympic games. After knocking off Germany 1-0, they finished tied with France 1-1. On the other hand, Mal Pugh is still down for the struggle.

After Germany drew 2-2 with England, the USWNT can take the Cup with a win in their final match on Wednesday. It will be a tall order though, as England stands in their way.

Serie A postponed matches after the discover of Davide Astori’s body in his hotel room while on the road with Fiorentina. No known cause of death has been given.

  • Mo Salah. Rinse, repeat -

Amidst the near-perfection that has been Manchester City’s season, it might be easy to lose how historic of a season Mo Salah is having. He’s 7 goals shy of tying the season goal-scoring record with 9 games left to play. And the way he plays, I wouldn’t bet against him.

  • Messi Magic -

Lionel Messi hit the 600th goal of his career, and of course, it was a free kick, against Atletico Madrid, to give Barcelona an 8 point lead and all but seal up La Liga in March. And thankfully, Ray Hudson was their to talk us all through it. I’ll leave you with him.