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Toxic Talk: The Last One Edition

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Welcome to Toxic Talk, where our resident hater tells you what sucks about soccer this week.

MLS: Vancouver Whitecaps at Sporting KC Peter G. Aiken

It’s been a glorious, vitriolic year, fellow haters. We’ve ranted. We’ve raved. We’ve written songs. And most importantly: we made fun of Alexi Lalas. But here is where I must share an unfortunate bit of news for those following along: this is the last Toxic Talk. Or at least the last Toxic Talk written by me, on this website. I probably should have copyrighted that or something.

Anywho, it’s been a wild ride at Stars and Stripes FC, and I figured we’d go out with a bang. So here’s all the extra, petty annoyances, all the food-based insulting humor, all the extended literary metaphors that I haven’t managed to fit into any of these things up until now. The very least I can do is give this thing one last shot. So strap in, kiddos, because my last official act as Hater in Chief is to go off the handle as many times as possible in one article.

-It’s my privately held theory that when D.C. United open that new stadium, RFK’s raccoons will follow the team by nesting in Ben Olsen’s beard.

-I would be far more open to the promotion/relegation discussion if the vast majority of people on the internet wanting to have it didn’t sound like they were a sentient Bing commercial with an utter lack of empathy for anything outside of the topic of pro/rel. You can’t base your personality on an argument, and an argument you seem to be committing to doing as stupidly as possible at that. Like, go eat some falafel or something first. Have you ever had falafel? It’s delicious. Try being angry after eating some of that.

-I’ve always hated the way Geoff Cameron’s beard is edged.

-It is entirely possible for Rocco Commiso to have one or two good points while at the same time being that kid on the playground who tried to pick a fight with someone bigger than him and then cried foul when he actually got hit. Also, “Rocco Commiso” is a fake name if I’ve ever heard one. That’s a virtual Yankees prospect generated by a video game.

-My Top 5 Worst Things in American Soccer:

5. Shep Messing

4. The lack of coordinated dance goal celebrations

3. The lack of coordinated goals

2. Jozy Altidore’s hamstrings

1. Not being able how to figure out switching back to the Spanish announcers on Univision when you finally get it in English and realize the grave mistake you’ve made.

-The people who don’t watch NWSL because the men’s game “is more exciting” are that guy that bought a massive Peavey amp that made guitars sound like radio static utterly devoid of tone because it was “heavy.” The NWSL rules and you nerds are missing out.

Boiling Points

  • This is apparently the list of USMNT head coach candidates -

One of these things is not like the ooootherrrrrs...

It would be exactly like USSF to hand the job to someone who’s literally been a coach at his first head coaching job for all of a couple months.

Goals, red cards, it was like since this game didn’t matter at all and Barcelona has had the league wrapped up for weeks, the two teams just did whatever they wanted. Also, Gareth Bale got away with this:

(Here’s that Sergi Roberto play, since everyone’s talking about that, too)

  • Sven One Away -

With genetically perfect human prototype Manuel Neuer having been out for the year with injury, Bayern Munich were in the mostly capable hands of Sven Ulreich. I say “mostly,” because he did this to gift Real Madrid a spot in the Champions League final.

  • Reign O’er Roses -

The Portland Thorns couldn’t hold back the tide of the Seattle Reign attack over the weekend, as the two teams went back and forth before this Rumi Utsugi blast sealed the victory for Seattle.

  • Drogba Rising -

Didier Drogba’s Phoenix experiment seems to be going well.

Now if only I could get remotely used to seeing him bald.

Thanks for reading, all. And as my boy Dylan Thomas once said, do not go gentle into that good night. Snavely, signing off.