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An exclusive sneak peek at USMNT General Manager duties

We’ve got a quick look at 5 of the new GM position’s duties. They aren’t quite what you would have expected.

MLS: Orlando City SC at Philadelphia Union Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

It’s been widely reported that Earnie Stewart would be stepping into the newly created role of General Manager with USSF. Indeed, SBNation even did an interview with him. But that begs the question: What exactly is the new GM supposed to do? Well, that’s where we, the good folks at Stars and Stripes FC, are here to help. We went in and did some real investigating and we found a source to tell us about this GM position. And some of these are a little more than we had expected based on preexisting rumors and reporting. Let’s take a look.

Fostering a Harmonic Locker Room Environment

One of the major problems that repeatedly came up in the last cycle that contributed to the USMNT’s failure in qualifying was a reputedly toxic locker room. In response, USSF is assigning the General Manager position with the duty of maintaining harmony in the locker room. The new GM will be expected to utilize honed skills in interior design and Feng shui in order to create standards that maximize good fortune and positive vibes for the USMNT. Stadiums will be required to update their locker rooms in order to meet those standards before every match. Maintaining a positive environment is crucial because a toxic environment can have devastating effects on the team and the players. Blocked chakras. Misaligned Chi flows. Pulled hamstrings. This is really crucial stuff and, correspondingly, will receive top attention from the incoming GM.

Of course, such duties are not limited to rearranging the towels, orienting the showers towards the sun, and providing a ficus in every corner. The GM will also be expected to have had each locker room painted before each and every match in order to maximize the energy of the team. Colors must rotate and cannot be repeated. The color combination of red, white, and green has also been banned. It is not clear if paint swatches will later be made available to the public. As such, it may be difficult to hold the GM accountable if he chooses nonchalant white or plantation beige instead of eggshell.

Ensuring Fields Maintain an International Calibre

It is well known that the USWNT has been subject to inferior playing conditions than men. Artificial turf, torn-up grass, even dangerous pitches. The incoming GM will have no say on those conditions whatsoever. However, he will be required to insure that the fields the men play on are in much better condition. The GM will be expected to observe and measure the length of each blade of grass or turf before and after each USMNT match. Because we all know that it is vital to have a fair playing field.

Targeted Scouting Evaluations

The incoming GM will be placed at the head of the scouting department, directly in charge of managing the overall objectives and direction of scouting efforts committed by the team of one full time scout. It is expected that the incoming GM will implement a radically new and innovative approach to scouting. Rather than sending the one full time scout to observe potential USMNT players, the scouting department will look to try and observe the best scouting prospects available. There are many incredibly talented players out there, like Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, Michael Bradley, Mohammad Salah, Neymar, Marcelo, Michael Bradley, Robert Lewandowski, Alexis Sanchez, Michael Bradley, and Michael Bradley. It is hoped that by observing such incredible players, that our scouting department will be able to see what true talent looks like with his own eyes.

Of course, USSF recognizes the need to draw a wide net and recruit more and more young players from across the country. As a result, there will also be a considerable efforts to scout across the country in a geographically diverse manner. Target cities include Los Angeles, California; Carson, California; Anaheim California; Burbank, California; Pasadena, California; Long Beach, California; Orange County, California; and Harrison, New Jersey.

Managing Administrative Relationships

A key concern that USSF has identified is a need to both have a clear organizational structure for the men’s national team and a limitation in the power of the head coach. After all, the head coach is necessarily a temporary position. The GM position was thus made in order to provide some of that accountability while connecting the head coach to the board of directors. To that end, the GM will be able to maintain a close and intimate relationship connecting the head coach to the board of directors by serving as the liaison to the liaison to the board’s liaison in communications with the coach’s anointed representative and/or liaison. The GM will also serve as a consultant for the hiring and firing of the head coach through an optional review process that is made up of a 500 page report, telephone interview, 30 day mandatory waiting period, followed by submitting the suggestion in crayon inside a magenta envelope that is folded into either a paper airplane or a crumpled-up ball, and then placed for acceptance inside a specially marked garbage bin outside USSF’s offices.

The new GM will also have a well developed connection with the fans. He will be made available to the press after each and every unsatisfactory result. Dedicated fans will also be able to subscribe to a bimonthly newsletter. Said newsletter will include updates on the latest in sports analytics, short interviews with the GM and other members of USSF doing exciting things, recipes for how to make orange slices and other pitch-side snacks, and audio files of your favorite players breathing heavily into a microphone for five minutes.

Head of the new Ministry of Truth

USSF wants to cultivate a positive attitude in soccer in this country. As such, they are deploying a crack team of influencers and informants to help encourage positive thoughts on various places in the internet. The new GM is to be the head of this corps of thought police and will help formulate a brand message that highlights the strengths and positives and growth of American soccer. Including on sites like this. Because failure can be victory. Smile everyone! Big Brother is Watching!