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USA vs. Thailand Women’s World Cup Illustrated Box Score

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Warhol Diptych

USA v Thailand: Group F - 2019 FIFA Women’s World Cup France Photo by Robert Cianflone/Getty Images

That was a lot of goals. Like a lot - there isn’t too much that you can take away from a game like that except for that Jill Ellis is absolutely cold blooded and makes Anton Chigurh look like he has a good understanding of the concept of mercy. In the 68th minute she took out her starting center back for Mal Pugh who then scored the 12th goal of the game. Still, it was extremely fun watching the USA tear through an opponent after spending the warm-up matches doing warm-up match things like tinker with personnel and mess around with tactics.

One thing you can say about 13 goals is that 13 is a number that tempts fate. While it’s good that the team went out and jumped way ahead in the goal differential tie breaker, setting up a grudge match with a superstitious concept is a bold move - and one I quite like since now we know if the USA repeats as champions they’ll have beaten the best teams in the world, their own federation, and cosmic forces that can’t be identified or quantified in any scientific way. All Anton Chigurh had to do was flip a coin.

Anyway, here’s how it looks when the USWNT decides it wants to reap the souls of its enemies when it plays soccer:

The shot map tells a different story - honestly, if Cormac McCarthy had written the story of this game it would have ended 12-0, that’s how ruthless the United States Women’s National Team is.

Then there’s this.

Might as well go ahead and give Alex Morgan the Golden Boot right now.

And for anyone keeping score about other things that might not be related to the game but indeed are related to it - consider that by the USWNT had scored as many goals in 56 minutes against a team that has beaten and tied contenders Australia recently than the USMNT has scored in all of 2019. Anyway, I’m sure that’s not relevant to anything that’s going on with the federation and the team and doesn’t in any way shape how guys who pass judgement about how much money the women get paid relative to the men reasonably and logically think about the issue while otherwise completely ignoring women’s soccer.

There will be much discussion and taking about the necessity of scoring 13 goals or 12 or 14 or 8 or some other amount of goals. But that’s a bit beside the point. The team needed a win here, they needed to get a jump on the goal differential for tiebreakers if they somehow don’t win the group on head to head results, and I think they needed to get some swagger back after those uneven friendlies before the tournament.

The takes about celebrating them are a different issue. Should they have celebrated? How many goals is too many for celebrating? If the USMNT score 13 goals against Guyana or something how many dudes waving Don’t Tread On Me flags will be demanding a parade for the accomplishment? I don’t know the answer to these questions - just know that if you are upset or mad or concerned or making strawman arguments about the celebrations, you aren’t alone. The entire nation of Canada is joining in to criticize the US Women for being happy about scoring a goal or five in the World Cup. So that’s the side you’re on - Canada’s side, is that really the side you want to be on - Canada’s side?

Canada.

In any event, the Americans will have a tougher matchup against Chile next and maybe a bit of a chance to grow into the tournament as they take on Sweden after. That will be especially important as this game seems to be a statement of intent in the tournament. The US isn’t here to mess around and pit Sweden against France, it seems like they want France and will be determined to put anyone who stands in their way directly in the River Seine to get that fourth star.