Oh, you better not flop, you better not dive

Better play well, I'm telling you why

Soccer Claus is comin' to town

Yes, boys and girls, it's Soccer Claus, bringing gifts and joy to all the good little soccer players, from the U-9 weekend leagues of suburban Ohio to the rarefied heights of Turin and London. He rides from town to town on a sleigh pulled by 8 of Chuck Blazer's cats and a very tired Brad Freidel, handing out goodies to American soccer people of all ages. He uses his enchanted bespoke Adidas cleats (never boots, dear reader) to accurately kick gifts into chimneys, mail slots, and even apartment windows, so they arrive slightly dented but always on time. Let's see what Soccer Claus has in his magical mesh ball bag this year...

For Gregg Berhalter: a Starbucks mug from every city he's ever likely to visit, so he can stop with the asinine product placement already. Plus, a gift card good for one coffee of his choice from each city's leading independent coffee house. Soccer Claus supports the little guy.

For Christian Pulisic: vibranium shin guards, for use in CONCACAF matches. Plus, cleats that glow blue like Frodo's sword in the presence of orcs, or in this case, cardable offenses conveniently missed by CONCACAF refs.

For Josh Sargent: a makeover at a spa of his choice. The boyish crimson curls have run their course; our man needs a new look (and maybe a moustache) to get back on track.

For Weston McKennie and Anthony Robinson: day passes to their respective movie theme parks, complete with cosplay outfits and photographers to get good shots for the Gram.

For Tyler Adams: His heart's desire. He has been a very good soccer boy this year.

For Yunus Musah: a complete Uncle Sam outfit, including novelty foam hat and stick-on beard. Thanks for making the right choice, Moose!

For Gianluca Busio and Tanner Tessman: a private gondola (Soccer Claus can make it fit in the mailbox), matching striped gondolier shirts that look suspiciously like the MNT Waldo jerseys, and fashionable scarves for chilly Venetian evenings.

For Ricardo Pepi: an advertising deal with Pepsi. It must be spoken into existence! Also, a bronzed cast of the ball from the Honduras game.

What other gifts can we send to Soccer Claus on our wish list? Mail yours soon, care of Cobi Jones, South Pole.