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Sunday Cup-o-American soccer: A Valentine’s Day poem for US Soccer

A very emo soccer sonnet

Middle Circle Dinner at the RheinEnergieStadion Photo by Henning Kaiser/picture alliance via Getty Images

To say the least, it’s been a wild 12 months for US Soccer. The federation had a reckoning with it’s sexist approach to dealing with the USWNT that eventually led to the resignation of Carlos Cordero, the Olympics were re-scheduled, games were cancelled, and the USMNT suddenly has 10 world class right backs.

The last year also has opened the door to re-shape fans’ relationship with the federation. Of course, there are still problems and there’s much work to be done, but the most important thing is that the players are good at soccer. The USWNT has never had this issue and has shown what many federations have demonstrated in terms of success for their men’s national teams: it doesn’t matter if the federation is a pure shambles rife with corruption and dysfunction if the players are good. Of course, having a federation capable of designing and executing a plan to improve soccer would also be welcome and possibly a more reliable route to success.

Still, it’s Valentine’s Day and maybe I’m feeling sentimental so I wrote an original poem that isn’t stolen at all from something more famous dedicated to, of all things, the US Soccer Federation.

10 things I hate about the US Soccer Federation:

I hate the way you are being run somewhat competently now,

and the way you lost a lot of money because of Covid.

I hate the way you have a USWNT manager who I don’t have to worry is bad actually,

I hate it when you send the USWNT players on loan and they just go off scoring golazos.

I hate your big dumb blobby uniform, it’s bad actually and I won’t buy it (ok, maybe at Ross)

and the way you are giving me hope about the US U-23s Olympic qualifying.

I hate you so much it makes me feel really suspicious that everything is about to be terrible again and make my fears verify... ing,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you’re sorta getting more things right probably in spite of yourself,

I hate it when you give the gloves to Zack Steffen even though Matt Turner is better probably.

I hate it when you are suddenly getting every dual national to join the USMNT,

even worse when you make me angry about what is essentially a children’s game.

I hate it when you’re not around because my entire identity is tied to your success, failure, flaws, and reflects on me personally and makes me write 1,000 word screeds in the comment section of various blogs or message boards or write twitter threads nobody reads,

and the fact that you didn’t play any games for like a year, though that’s totally understandable because of the pandemic, I just like watching US Soccer.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,

not even close…

not even a little bit…

not even at all (except for the blob kits, those are awful, please make kits that look good, it won’t be hard).