It’s finally here, truly the most American of holidays where we gather and worship the things that make our country great and celebrate the sport that’s actually a death cult: drinking too much, eating fried things covered in salad dressing, and watching commercials. If there’s a day that could have less to do with soccer, it’s Super Bowl Sunday. Still, this is a website about US Soccer and surely there’s something that is relevant to the sport today. So, I bring to you a list that I didn’t just write because I couldn’t think of anything else today - the definitive equivalence of US Soccer players to Super Bowl food.
Here’s the menu
Pizza: Keeper - This probably isn’t going to make or break the party, but a bad one will really stand out and whoever is planning this thing is always going to take their favorite over the better one that is still in MLS. This food is Zack Steffen.
Jalapeano poppers: Left back - Fried to be a crowd pleaser, spicy enough to make you a little cautious around it, but also filled with a cooling presence to hold back that capsaicin hit. Crystal Dunn is going to fire things up and keep things cool.
Spinach dip: Centerback - Reliable, easy going, but still satisfying, and it gets along well with others. It’s what a great centerback brings to the table and is who Becky Sauerbrunn is.
Pigs in a blanket: Centerback - Frankfurters wrapped in dough that comes out of a can? It doesn’t get more German-American than that does it John Brooks?
Something wrapped in bacon: Shrimp, dates, scallops, asparagus, there’s nothing that you won’t eat if it’s wrapped in bacon, it’s gotta be there making everything around it better. Pretty sure Sergino Dest fits that bill.
Beer: Center midfield - You need it to be everywhere on Super Bowl Sunday, every single place you look, you’ll see one. Sometimes it’s an award winning microbrew, others maybe it tries to do too much, but you still appreciate the effort and you can’t really be disappointed because it’s beer. Too much and maybe you’re in trouble, too little and people won’t be that happy, this is why Weston McKennie is beer.
Chili: Center midfield - There’s a little bit of everything in here - ground meat, beans or not, seasoning, tomatoes processed in some sort of way, it’s steady and sometimes flashy. This is what Rose Lavelle Brings to the party.
Chicken wings: Center midfield - They can be spicy, sweet, lemon peppery, covered in garlic and parmesan, dipped in various things, in short they are a versatile crowd pleaser. Clearly, this is Sam Mewis.
7 layer dip: Left wing - It has seven layers of amazingness, whatever you are into it’s there - beans, guac, salsa, it is the complete package and knows how to celebrate. Megan Rapinoe has all that and more.
Loaded tots: Right wing - You’re asking loaded tots to do a lot. It needs to be fried, savory, maybe spicy, maybe covered in bacon, maybe covered in bleu cheese, it could have a lot of pulled pork on it and some other cheese, who knows. The point is, it has to deliver but needs to take care of its hamstrings better and is Christian Pulisic.
Buffalo chicken dip: Striker - This needs to be a reliable producer with a great end product that just keeps delivering. Since it can be stored in a crock pot it’ll always be ready from kickoff to the end of the game, Alex Morgan brings all that to the party.
Pepto Bismol: Manager - After all that you’ll need something to pick up the pieces when everything goes wrong. It sorta gets the job done but in the end isn’t the answer to a problem that needs a more effective solution. I’m looking at you Bruce Arena.