U kno wat m8, u kno who’s dummer than a pack of crisps? More daft about footy than spotted dick? In barney like beans for breakfast? Yanks. Now let me explain to ev’ryone why the metric system is better even tho we ain’t been to the moon, innit?
We’ve heard all the versions on America dum about Fußball. Or so we thought.
Usually the accent these words come with is from an older country. But this time the enemy attacking us is not foreign, its domestic.
While talking about how TV commentators have a significant influence over what a fan thinks about a player’s role and performance, Horan told the Athletic:
“American soccer fans, most of them aren’t smart,” she says [omg y’all she’s coming in hottttt, or maybe she forgot she’s talking to a reporter].** “They don’t know the game. They don’t understand. (But) it’s getting better and better.
She takes a brief pause, sensing that those words, too, will cause a stir [the straw that stirs the drink, GO ON LINDSEY].**
“I’m gonna piss off some people,” [the sound you just heard was someone striking attention getting GOLD - she absolutely did not forget she’s talking to a reporter]** she continues, “but the game is growing in the U.S. People are more and more knowledgeable, but so much of the time people take what the commentators say, right? My mom does it!” [see her mom’s not smart either, she’s cringe. Just like the rest of us.]** She breaks into laughter. “My mom says, ‘Julie Foudy said you had such a good game!’ And I’m here, just going, ‘I was f—ing s— today.’” [ngl, I’m kinda on board here. The thankless roles defenders and holding midfielders play are often never talked about by TV announcers and then the stats will show that they absolutely dominated their area of the field. Meanwhile, a flashy winger who had eight failed dribbles and an error leading to goal is treated like a POTM].**
When playing with Lyon in France, Horan says, things are different.
“From what I’ve heard, people understand my game a little bit more, a sense of my football and the way I play,” she says. “It is the French culture. Everyone watches football [everyone there also eats snails, on purpose].** People know football.” [yes, it’s well known that 3rd grade in France is entirely spent teaching children about football and the nuanced details of overlapping runs, the offside rule, and positional play.]**
In sum, extreme Alexi Lalas voice, She HAS an OP-In-IOnnnnnnnn. I’m not here to respond to this in any meaningful way or be outraged, partly because I resemble her comments and partly because that’s what X is for. I’ll say this, Lindsey, u said wat m8?
Here’s some things she could have done instead:
1. Follow a series of cryptic clues to overcome ham handed writing and discover that Chuck Blazer was given the Holy Grail as a bribe and used it as a water bowl for his cats.
2. Sneak into the back of a limousine and ask the person in the back of the limousine next to her if they have any Grey Poupon only for the big reveal to be that she’s actually the limo driver.
3. Learned French so she could know if French people with their French culture where everyone watches football and knows football do understand her game or if the person who told her what she heard is, how you say, donner de la confiture aux cochons.
4. Captain the USWNT to the equivalent of what the USMNT did in their 2018 World Cup qualifying campaign, oh wait.
5. Enter an eel eating contest.
6. Come to NWSL and challenge herself at the highest level.
7. Told the French that philosophy and bread are overrated.
8. Open a Center for Americans Who Can’t Know The Game Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too so that we can understand why Julie Foudy is wrong about Lindsey Horan having a good game.
9. Ms. Horan’s contention is that A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N-S don’t know about soccer and are dumb. AND YET - HAS SHE NOT CONSIDERED, stay with me here dummies who don’t know about soccer - THAT, in fact, if that were to be true... if... IF we were to take her contention as the truth, HAS SHE NOT CONSIDERED that she HERSELF - BORN AND RAISED IN COLORADO, THE VERY MIDDLE OF AMERICA - is thus IN FACT AN AMERICAN? And as such is it not true then, SINCE AMERICANS DON’T KNOW ABOUT SOCCER ACCORDING TO HER, THAT THEN AS AN AMERICAN SHE ALSO DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT SOCCER? FACTS and LOGIC do not care that three different referees can look at the same play and none of them agree what a handball is.
On the other hand, based on this CBS segment covering the AFC Asian Cup where nobody on the TV had any idea what was happening with the teams playing in it or knowledge of history or took the effort to read Wikipedia for two minutes, she might have a point.
The internet is forever, @CharlieDavies9 @NotAlexis @Nicocantor1 @susannahcollins. Someone please take responsibility for the fact that any of you were allowed to talk about teams and regions you all know nothing about on camera. pic.twitter.com/mOAJFUBnvB— Dan Orlowitz (@aishiterutokyo) January 20, 2024
In conclusion, being smart about soccer is a land of contrasts. Or to put it differently, we ain’t dumb, tu as été bercé trop près du mur.
**[the sections in brackets are added commentary by the author of this article and are not part of the original article published by the Athletic].