U.S. Soccer to host inaugural HeBelieves Cup this summer

As the US Men’s National Team surges ahead in 2018 under the ambitious leadership of world class American Manager Dave Sarachan, it was announced that in a desperate attempt to remain relevant in a World Cup year and appease their fanbase, US Soccer will host the inaugural 2018 HeBelieves tournament and HeBelieves Summit.

“We know the original SheBelieves tournament was formed to celebrate women and invoke the spirit of feminist progress,” said newly minted USSF president Carlos Cordeiro, “But what’s more equal than copying women because their idea turned out to be good? Einstein definitely cribbed from his wife too.”

Sarachan sounded like he was excited for the event saying, “I took the squad out for ice cream after the 1-0 win against Paraguay. The game became a real big boy game and they deserved it. We’ll need more big boys stepping up in the future if we’re ever going to win more than one match in a World Cup again.”

Inspirational USMNT players Alejandro Bedoya, Michael Bradley, Omar Gonzalez, and Jozy Altidore will be featured at the HeBelieves summit. The event will inspire boys and young men and encourage them to accomplish their goals and dreams, athletic or otherwise, because society doesn’t enable men to do that by default.

When rumors of the event were being leaked, one internet message board commenter posted, “ABOUT TIME THIS IS WHAT EQUALITY LOOKS LIKE, FIRST THE HEBELIEVES CUP - NEXT AN INTERNATIONAL MEN’S DAY, THEN FAMILY COURT REFORM.”

When reached for a comment, Bedoya discussed the need for the USMNT players who would participate in the event to be paid significantly more than their female counter parts and then demanded a parade for the USMNT if they were to win the tournament.

As captain of the second most popular national team in the United States, Michael Bradley noted the importance of the event, saying:

“We want to make sure that young boys and men whose parents pay thousands of dollars for them to play soccer on traveling club teams know that nothing will stand in their way if they believe in themselves and their parents’ car dealerships hit their third quarter earnings goals.”

Despite the setback in Trinidad & Tobago, Omar Gonzalez said, “I think this is important for young men to have people who believe in them.” He went on to say that “If Bruce Arena didn’t mentor me, coach me, and believe in me I never would have had that chance to score the own goal back in Trinidad.”

Jozy Altidore, who scored two goals in the unsuccessful Hex stage of World Cup qualifying, said he was planning a speaking panel with Sacha Kljestan. “Me and Sacha are going to square up, puff up our chests, yell at each other’s faces for a few seconds and then maybe he’ll lightly brush against me and I’ll fall over,” the player with the third most goals scored in USMNT history said. “It’s all about being a good role model,” Altidore added.

Details about which teams would participate in the tournament, scheduled to coincide with the World Cup, are still being finalized. So far, Chile, Italy, the Brazil U-17s, New Zealand, Ecuador, Holland, Ivory Coast, Cameroon, Papua New Guinea, Greenland, and Narnia have all said no according to sources.

Asked how much the event would cost, US Soccer CEO Dan Flynn replied, “There hasn’t been a sponsor found to cover the cost of this crucial event so the $150 million surplus was used.”

When reached for comment Julie Foudy stared blankly for several moments, blinked once or twice, and abruptly left the interview.

The full press conference announcing the tournament can be found here. Oddly, the so called “national soccer media” did not cover the event as everyone is writing articles with the 10 best Zlatan moments in MLS.