The Winter Olympics are over! Which means it's time to start looking ahead to the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. Which means it's time to start thinking about what players will be a part of the team that will attempt to erase the memories of the USA's failure to qualify for the 2012 Olympic tournament in London.
Actually, no. It's not. It's two years away, but the rules of the internet dictate we pretend to know what will happen and predict a roster so here it does, 80's style.
Head Coach: John Kreese (Sweep the leg).
Assistant Coaches: Yogurt (Yoda was unavailable), Dr. Emmett Brown (The man with the plan, if not the execution), Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (Just that dick that will run you `tip your throw up, but you get to shoot him at the end of the first act).
Trainers: Jane Fonda (She'll get you limber), Richard Simmons (He'll get you sweatin').
Goalkeepers: Daniel Larusso (Wax on, wax off), Dwayne Hicks (In his space, no one can hear you scream), Jareth the Goblin King (basically useless on the pitch but he looks FANTASTIC in tight pants).
Defenders: Marty McFly (He'll always get back in time), Lotney "Sloth" Fratelli (The vocal leader of the defense), John McClane (He'll make sure your attack dies hard), Chewbacca (Just good on set pieces really), Falkor (Every team needs some luck at the back), Raymond Babbitt (he'll never got the full 90 because he'd miss The People's Court), Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr. (Just in case you have to play the Germans).
Midfielders: Goose & Slider (The ultimate wing men), Clubber Lang (The prediction is pain), Johnny Castle (He'll always there to lift you in your time of need)*, Lloyd Dobler (He sees the doorway to a thousand assists in your eyes), John Keating (Oh captain, my captain), Bill & Ted (They're excellent. Duh.), Alan "Dutch" Schaefer (If it bleeds, he can score on it), Kyle Reese (relentless, never quits, amazing ability to see the future, but has some issues with his uniform).
Forwards: The Geek (He'll deke you out of your panties), Rocky Balboa (Everyone says he's too small, but he's always there with the knockout blow), Westley (the Dread Striker Roberts), Louis Tully (He's the keymaster and he'll unlock your defense), Dark Helmet (NOBODY is better on headers), Virgil 'Bud' Brigman (Nobody dives better...except for maybe Luis Suarez).
Age Exempt Players: Ian (Ostensibly cool, but ultimately doesn't score - played by Clint Dempsey), Alex Rogan (On a long, overly elaborate, completely implausible journey to save the US Soccer universe - played by Michael Bradley), Mike "Viper" Metcalf (All knowing, flew with your old man in `Nam, and if you don't pick you your RIO when you get there...he'll fly with you - played by Alexi Lalas).
Leader of Traveling Supporter's Group: Ferris Bueller (Rich white kid from the suburbs entitled to a day off by his privilege...literally born to be a US Soccer supporter)
*Johnny Castle will not take corners because nobody puts baby in the corner.
A big thanks to Richard and Johnathon for the ideas on this post.