Tuesday night was filled with shock, disappointment, anger, denial, and a seemingly empty feeling. No, my heart wasn’t broken by a girl on Tuesday night. It was broken by the United States failing to make the World Cup for the first time in 32 years. Like with other forms of heartbreak, we need coping mechanisms to deal with the pain (who cares what a psychologist may say about that), and since I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling this way, I spent the last few days thinking up some ways to cope with this disaster:
I personally really like to just sit with a nice bag of salty, unhealthy, artery clogging chips when I’m upset. Believe me, I’ve been known to eat a whole bag of ‘em when I’m having a bad day. For all you readers out there, I would try everything from ice cream to pie to brownies/chocolate to anything else that is gonna cheer you up. If you are a good age, why not throw in a little comfort drinks too?
Become a Hermit
If you go away and hide from society in the middle of a forest, you might be able to convince yourself otherwise. Without media or other people, I could tell myself that by some crazy miracle Panama’s phantom goal was called back and the USMNT not only went to the World Cup, they won it. Who’s gonna tell me I’m wrong? I’m just the crazy guy who lives in a cave.
The Time Machine Method
If you are more of the engineering type, build yourself a time machine. Then go back to Tuesday afternoon and bribe Bruce Arena with ANYTHING to get him to start Geoff Cameron over Omar Gonzalez (which you would think would have been a pretty obvious choice). At the very least, get him to start someone next to Michael Bradley. Really, just get him to make a semblance of a good starting lineup for a game in which you only need a tie. Literally don’t let the other team score and you get to go to Russia. Tell him to start 9 defenders and 2 goalies for all I care. Just go back there and fix this crap.
The Denial Method
If someone tries to tell you the USMNT didn’t make the World Cup, just scream “Fake news!” and run away.
Get lost on the Internet
This place is amazing. If you really wanted, you could get lost on that thing until 2022. Just get yourself on Youtube, search “cat videos,” and before you know it people will be landing in Qatar. Even if that goes wrong, there are probably enough videos to get you to 2026 when we will probably have an automatic bid.
Pretend You’re a 76ers Fan
Every time someone points out that the USMNT failed and didn’t make the World Cup, just point out all the young up-and-coming talent we have. If you really wanna drive your point home, throw in a #trusttheprocess.
If there is one thing I have learned from watching movies, it’s that you can lock yourself in a cafeteria freezer and be perfectly preserved for years. All you gotta do it lock yourself in there and have one of your non-soccer friends come get you in 2022. Better yet, have them lock Christian Pulisic in there too! Then he will still be 19 with a whole career ahead of him when he makes his World Cup debut.
Cheer for the Women’s Team
Believe it or not, Christian Pulisic isn’t the only 19-year-old sensation in American soccer. Mallory Pugh is also 19 and already has 28 caps and 6 goals for the USWNT (which is also the reigning World Cup champions), so why not spend a little time watching them? They will have their World Cup qualifying campaign in 2018 and then the Women’s World Cup in 2019. That’ll conveniently bring you up to 2020 when the men will start their qualification run for Qatar.
Become a Bandwagon Fan
Ever wanted a chance to cheer for a World Cup winning team from start to finish? Well, now is the chance. We all have our backup teams we cheer for once the USMNT gets eliminated from tournaments. For me, it’s Belgium (yes that 2014 game was hard for me emotionally). Without the USA, I get to cheer for Belgium from start to finish, and if they win I get to say I was pulling for them the whole time! So go out there and pick a team like Germany, Brazil, or Spain and enjoy watching your team accumulate some wins.